How to Get Closure

Most of us have had difficult experiences in our lives that left us with a lot of unanswered questions. It might have been a breakup, an estrangement, perhaps a criminal act or another traumatic event. If you have been wronged, sometimes what you want most of all is a heartfelt apology.

You may find yourself longing to contact a specific person who you think can answer your questions, provide an apology, and give you the closure you long for. Not having closure can feel like torture. 

So is closure really as simple as getting answers to questions? In many cases, no. Closure is not just about getting information or an apology. In fact, explanations and apologies can often end up feeling strangely dissatisfying or lead you down a rabbit hole of obsession and rumination. Apologies can cause further harm if they are not handled right, and answered questions can sometimes just lead to more and more questions. 

Rather, closure is an emotional shift that lets us know we can draw a line under an experience and finally move on. Those who have felt closure usually describe it as a freeing experience, like a burden has been lifted and replaced with a feeling of relief. The unburdening can bring about healing and growth.  

The problem with viewing closure as a set of answers or an apology is that it relies entirely upon the actions of another. If the other person is unavailable, unapologetic, or otherwise uncooperative, your sense of closure is held to ransom. You give away your power to achieve closure when you view it as something that is in the hands of the other person, like a gift that they can either choose to give or to withhold.

Here's the good news. Closure is a gift that you can give to yourself. It is not dependent upon what somebody else does, because that feeling of closure is the culmination of a deeply personal journey of gradually letting go of the need for input from the other person and arriving at a place of acceptance. That comes from within. 

Achieving closure does not require condoning the actions of a wrongdoer, forgetting the past or tolerating being mistreated. However, it might mean expanding your definition of what it means to forgive. Many people think of forgiveness, like closure, as being dependent on another person. But you can choose to forgive the actions of another even when they have not expressed remorse or issued an apology. 

The benefit of forgiveness is that you choose not to carry the hurt around with you anymore, waiting for the other person to take action so that you can be free and feel better. It doesn’t mean that what happened was okay, but simply that you accept that it can’t be undone. Forgiveness is for you, not them. It means you decide to free yourself regardless of what they choose to do. 

Carrying hurt and resentment around does nothing to help you. If somebody put a heavy backpack full of rocks on your shoulders and asked you to carry it around forever for no reason whatsoever, would you agree to it? Or would you refuse to carry it, take it off and set it down? That’s what forgiveness is for. It frees you, not the other person.

Research findings suggest that expressive writing, especially when combined with therapy can help a person heal themselves without the intervention of the other party, by making meaning of what happened. 

A therapist can facilitate the closure process by working through unresolved emotions, thoughts, and conflicts associated with the event or relationship and finding ways to integrate the experience into your personal narrative in a way that allows for healing and growth.

So why wait another moment? Take off the backpack and be free.