Saying Sorry the Right Way
Conflicts and disagreements happen. Things are said or done in the heat of the moment that may have seemed perfectly reasonable at the time, but that perhaps in the cold light of day we wish we could take back.
Given that none of us has a time machine with which to undo our unfortunate behavior, the next best choice is a heartfelt apology. But sometimes that can feel like a daunting prospect.
Let’s start by taking a look at why apologies are so hard.
To apologize is to humble oneself by acknowledging our personal deficiencies or errors. The ego protests it and then our defenses rise to justify our actions and look for ways to avoid it.
When we feel our defenses rise, we often try to repair our relationship with the hurt party without taking full ownership of our behavior. We attempt to place some of the responsibility on the other person, by pointing the finger at their own misdeeds, or their lack of understanding about our intentions. Or sometimes we downplay the impact of our behavior on them with minimizing language such as “maybe”, or “a bit”. This tends to dilute the apology and can even cause further harm to the relationship. An apology is not an apology if it begins with any of these:
“I’m sorry that you…”
“I’m sorry, but…”
“I’m sorry if…”
“I’m sorry that I reacted to you doing [insert blaming comment here] …”
A key component of a genuine apology is to focus on the impact of your actions on the other person. Showing them that you understand how your words and actions affected them and that you have empathy for the hurt that they felt lets them know that they are seen and heard by you, which is important for repairing a connection with somebody after a rupture.
Apologies may lose meaning if the person apologizing keeps repeating the same hurtful patterns over and over. So it is important to reassure the person that you intend to work on yourself and avoid hurting them in the same way again.
True apologies sound like this:
“I’m sorry that I…”
“I can see how my words/actions have hurt you and I truly regret it.”
“Next time I will be more thoughtful about what I say/do.”
It is normal to have discomfort about apologizing. It can be a very vulnerable experience, especially when we don’t know how our apology will be received, or when we feel that we have been wronged too.
It may be helpful to remember that saying sorry is not the same as taking responsibility for the entire interaction. Each person only has to own their part, but it is each person’s decision whether or not to do so.
Never apologize when you’re still angry or upset with the other person! It is very unlikely that you will come across as genuine. It is ok to wait until you have reflected on your own words and actions and can really mean it. If your focus is still mostly on your own hurt feelings, that will probably show up when you attempt to apologize.
A genuine apology should not be contingent upon receiving an apology in return. If that’s what you are seeking, then you are not ready to apologize. Think about this first before approaching the other person. Will you get upset all over again if they don’t apologize too? Will you take back your apology the second they don’t respond as you expect? Then you’re not quite there yet.
Sometimes when you approach somebody to apologize to them, they might start going over the issue again, highlighting the parts that hurt them or pointing out things you said and did that perhaps you didn’t specifically mention when you apologized. Don’t worry, that’s normal! It can feel like the person is rejecting your apology and it can be very frustrating. You may feel like giving up or start defending yourself and pointing out their misdeeds. Try to be patient in this moment. The other person is just checking to make sure that you get it, so a few words of reassurance from you should help.
Lastly, you’re allowed to be human. Not all apologies go well, even with the best insight and intentions from both sides. If it gets derailed, just take some space and try again later.
