From Conflict to Connection

Stuck in Conflict

When you are trying to express yourself to your partner, do you often end up feeling worse than when you started?

During a conversation or conflict with our partner, we often tend to focus on our surface emotions, thoughts and perceptions, but far less so on our deeper, core emotions and our unmet emotional needs.

Our communication comes out as critical, angry, or frustrated and our partner becomes angry and frustrated too, or just throws their hands up and walks away, leaving us all alone with our unmet needs. Nobody feels heard or understood and nobody wins.

Often, we are not even aware that there is another layer of emotion happening beneath the surface of communications like these, especially if we grew up in a family where emotional expression was not encouraged or modeled by our caregivers.

Many of us get stuck in a chronic attack/defend or mutual blame pattern with our loved one when we try to express our emotional needs and over time this can erode our secure connection to each other and create emotional distance.

Once a person is able to shift their awareness to their deeper emotions and unmet needs, it can be a game changer for connection and healing.

When I work with clients, I like to explain it as an “experience elevator”.

The magic happens when you take the elevator from the top floor (surface emotions) all the way down to access what’s in the basement (deeper emotions).

How can you tell which emotions are surface and which are deeper?

There are some clear differences between the two.

Surface Emotions

On the top floor, it feels safe. You can see everything from there, or at least you think you can. This is where the surface emotions exist. The most common ones are  anger and frustration. People feel safe when they express these surface emotions. They tend to come easily and quickly to us, often as a reaction to an external trigger. The feelings are observable to others and can change or escalate quickly. These emotions are typically more socially acceptable or easier to express than the deeper feelings that lie beneath.

They are often used as a way to defend ourselves from perceived or actual criticism  and we can use them to deflect blame and avoid vulnerability.

Unfortunately these surface emotions don’t help us get our needs met. In fact, they tend to push other people away.

Deeper Emotions

Deeper emotions, or primary emotions, are the core feelings that are often hidden beneath the surface. These emotions are more fundamental and relate to our basic needs and desires, such as the need for connection, safety, and acceptance. Primary emotions include feelings like sadness, fear, hurt, and loneliness.

Core emotions are much harder to express because they involve being much more vulnerable.

It is so much easier to approach our partner with anger or frustration, saying something like,

“You never listen!”

than to say,

“It really hurts when you tune me out. I feel the hurt like a pit in my stomach and I get so afraid that maybe I am not important to you”.

Our primary emotions tend not to be reactive or defensive in nature. Often they are more persistent and are related to our view of ourselves, which was most likely formed during childhood. For example, a child who was neglected will probably grow up feeling unsure about how valued and lovable they are. As an adult, they will be sensitive to this and may unconsciously look for evidence that they are not good enough or that they don’t matter to their partner.

Unmet Needs

Usually when a primary or deeper emotion is being experienced, it points to a core unmet need. In Emotionally Focused Therapy, we refer to these as attachment needs. These needs, when met, are the things that let us know we are safe, secure and loved in our relationship. Here are some of the most common attachment needs that people identify during  EFT couples therapy sessions:

·      To feel seen, heard and understood

·      To know they matter

·      To know they are good enough

·      To work as a team/partnership

·      To be respected

·      To have efforts acknowledged

Vulnerability Leads to Empathy

So why delve into deeper emotions and unmet attachment needs when they are so much harder and more vulnerable to acknowledge and express?

The big payoff to accessing and sharing primary emotion is empathy. Whilst surface emotions like anger tend to push the other person away, primary emotions typically do the opposite and draw the other person closer.

Your partner is more likely to understand what you are feeling and be motivated to help you feel better. Part of the vulnerability of expressing these emotions is that you don’t actually know for sure that the other person will respond well to you. They might be stuck in their own experience, lacking  the emotional capacity to hold space for your feelings right at that moment.  

Practical Steps for Accessing and Sharing Emotion

Understanding the distinction between surface and deeper emotions can be transformative in everyday life. Here are some practical steps to apply this knowledge:

Self-Reflection: Take time to reflect on your emotional responses. Ask yourself, “What am I really feeling beneath this anger or frustration? What unmet need drives this feeling?”

Connect with your Body: Tune in to the physical sensations that give clues about your deeper emotion. Is there heaviness in your chest? A knot in your stomach? Does your body suddenly feel colder or warmer? Pay attention to these signs and try to hear what your body is telling you about what emotion you are feeling.

Open Communication: In relationships, strive to communicate your deeper emotions. Instead of saying, “I’m angry,” try expressing, “I feel hurt because I need to feel valued.”

Empathy: When others express strong emotions, consider what deeper feelings might be driving their behavior. Try to respond with empathy and curiosity. Often this can defuse anger and shift the conversation dramatically, paving the way for reconnection.

Therapeutic Support: If navigating these emotional layers feels challenging, seeking support from an EFT therapist can be very helpful.

Recognizing and understanding the difference between surface or secondary emotions and deeper or primary emotions is a key concept in Emotionally Focused Therapy. By taking the elevator of our emotional experiences down to the basement, we can achieve greater self-awareness, improve our relationships, foster deeper emotional connection and create opportunities for mutual healing with our partner.